Dinner. With that one person.

Do you remember that question you used to get asked in English class? "If you could choose anyone to have dinner with, dead or alive, who would you choose?"

I would concoct the wildest and most amazing dinners in my head filled with fantasies of sitting in an English pub with Shakespeare discussing the issue of fate and self fulfilled prophecy over beer

or

Basking in the sun on a rock in the mermaid's lagoon with Peter Pan while I tried to explain to him that Tinkerbell has a serious crush on him while we shared a bowl of mac and cheese and juicy juice

or

Having a cozy romantic evening with the lovely Leonardo Dicaprio while sharing a plate of spaghetti in the hopes they we would eventually pick up the same noddle and our lips would meet...ahh the mix of Lady and the Tramp with Leonardo is wonderful--Bella Notte

But when I came across this question today, my answer surprised me.  His name came to me in an instant, loudly, and impossible to ignore.  I thought for sure it would me be my grandmother, a last moment to tell her how much I love her.  Or that it would be a famous author like Khalid Hosseini or JK Rowling.  Or even Severus Snape (my strong desire to get him to openly talk to someone about his past consumes me sometimes--he perhaps could have found love if he had opened up to somebody).

But no.  Just one name came to mind.  Strange, since a couple of months ago having dinner with him would have been no big deal.  Just a quick phone call and off we were to meet up.

There are a lot of people that come and go from your life.  I myself have lost several people this year through death, break-ups, and just realizing that some people don't work well as friends.  But there some people in your life, very few people, who when you feel their absence, if even for a moment, it is unbearable.

Think about this saying:   
                 Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.

That sort of loss is not an everyday loss.  When someone you loved more than yourself, someone that you would do anything for breaks the connection for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year--it covers everything with a dark shroud.  

But think about this quote:  "We all lose friends... we lose them in death, to distance, and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz

If I could choose anyone to have dinner with, dead or alive, who would I choose?

Not a historical figure, not an imaginary character, not the deceased...I would choose someone that I care about, the person that I've hurt, the person I need and want to forgive, the person who has always been my best friend.

So, I'll sit at the dinner table.  Alone for now, hoping that the candle on the table is bright enough to be seen.

Breathe

Breathing.

It's an everyday activity.  Natural.  You aren't even aware that you're doing it.  But you are. Right now. and now. and now. and again. and again.

Now stop.  Try and hold it for 55 seconds.

ok breathe.  It's when you don't breathe that you all the sudden become aware of how important a breath of air is.  It sustains you, gives you life.

Have you ever been so upset to the point you can't breathe? It sounds impossible.  How can you not breathe because of an emotion?  You aren't drowning, you're not inhaling smoke; you're in a perfectly good oxygen filled room, the only thing keeping you from breathing is your emotional state, but an emotional state can quickly transcend into a physical one.  You're broken, so emotionally broken that your mind begins quickly to loose focus on normal habitual activities, like breathing.  Your brain is only thinking about your emotional distress, your thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour, replaying conversations, watching memories dance hauntingly in your mind.  Your emotional pain becomes the only focus.  You gasp for air but you can't find it, you can't calm yourself down enough to catch a breath.  You, or a friend, has to physically say, "Breathe.  Take a deep breath."  Often your friend will actually have to mimic the art of breathing until you remember how to do it again.

And then all of the sudden, things become clearer.  The world isn't spinning.  You are breathing.

Life.

It's easy to see why the act of breathing translates into a soothing activity.  Going through a heartache you're often told to take each day at a time and breathe.  A simple direction: to breathe.  Close your eyes, cover your ears, and breathe.  Do you hear that?  The slow intake of breath, followed by a slow release; its soothing. You can actually hear yourself, alive, and breathing.

So stop what you're doing and breathe.

bah humbug with marshmallows on top

I have an insane intense desire to say something.  Problem is that I'm not quite sure what.  But what I am sure of is that 2011 is going to be a great year. 

All in all I've had a great life.  I'm not trying brag or gloat, but it's true.  I've always been a genuine happy person who woke up every morning excited about the day, excited about life and I went to bed every night peacefully and blissfully.

Then 2010 hit. And it hit hard.  All the years free of trouble have finally caught up to me.  Granted I should have seen it coming, no one can have a perfect life but regardless 2010 took me by surprise.

I understand that it's only the beginning of December, and it's a bit early for a New Year's Blog and that I should instead be writing about how excited I am about Christmas.  Well I am not excited about Christmas, I turn the station every time a Christmas Carol comes on, I refused to put a star on top of my little Christmas tree (I choose a bird named Lolita instead), I will not send out Christmas cards, and the usual joy I get in Christmas shopping has disappeared.  So please don't stone me just yet, give me the small joy I have in knowing that this year is almost over.

EY (not my father or grandfather) asked me the other night what my New Year's resolution was.  I've never been a New Year's resolutions kind of girl, but after considering the question I looked at him and said "To have a good year."

To have a good year.  Now the question is how to go about fulfilling this resolution.  Most of what 2010 has brought has been unavoidable, so it's within reason to say that unavoidable misfortunes could come in 2011, so how do I make it a good year regardless?  Easy, I've learned a lot this year, now it's time to apply that.

Things I've learned:

• People are a dime a dozen.  Real friends who are there for you no matter what are very few and far between.  I've seen the true colors of many people in my life this year and I intend to be very picky on who is in my circle of trust....yes I did just watch Meet the Parents.
• Having a job is always better than not having a job.  This point is proven to me every time I make my rent check and my student loan check.  And in all honesty, I adore my coworkers, so all is well.
• Hug your family.  Hug your friends.  
• Remember that just because it seems impossible for someone to be gone forever, doesn't mean it won't happen.  Cherish your grandparents.  Call them.  Kiss them.  Cook for them.  They love you.
• Don't be afraid to try a new church out of your comfort zone.  And Korean food is awesome.  
• You are dying.  Every second of the day brings you closer and closer.  So don't let your life pass you by!  Do something.  Spend a weekend on a canoe, watch Beauty and the Beast with your friend, take a ton of pictures, take a kickboxing class, learn to make fondant, travel just to be traveling, dye your hair, learn to ride a motorcycle....never be afraid of anything.

It's snowing outside, time for me to go dance.