The Apartment

I move a lot.  That's not a secret.  I've lived in the same house since I was two but once I left for college I began a whirlwind of apartment changing.  I've grown to love packing--and I'm not being sarcastic.  I really do love it.  In less than two weeks I'll be moving again and as I pack I've been thinking of the all of the places that I've lived.  Hands down my current place is the nicest apartment I've lived in.  But it's not my favorite.

My favorite apartment was an apartment that was rented by drug dealers before I moved in and had a dent in the door where somewhere had tried to break in.  It had bugs, squirrels, leaky ceilings, a smell, and odd objects sticking out the floor that would slice your foot.  It was fantastic.  So fantastic that it's the only place I lived at for a whole two years.  It may sound like a horrific dump but the memories I have of that apartment are some of my favorites. 

My last two years of college I lived there with my best friend Sage the whole two years while Paige and Kara lived there for a year each.  I remember the first night we stayed there Sage and I each slept with a butcher knife next to our bed scared to death someone was going to break in in the middle of the night (it wasn't the best neighborhood).  One night we heard something and Sage and I put on our brave faces and grabbed a butcher knife and baseball bat and proceeded to search for the cause of the noise.  The place was three stories and had about ten closets--we took turns rounding each corner and opening each door.  Turns out we had imagined the noise but when I look back I don't remember how terrified we were--I remember us laughing nonstop about it the next morning.


The place was infested with gigantic crickets that seemed to live in the downstairs bedroom where Kara and Paige lived.  Not only did we have a cricket problem but we also had a squirrel problem.  That's right--a squirrel problem.  Imagine your roommate waking you up at 3AM to tell you that she just trapped a squirrel in her closet.  I never thought I'd ever have a squirrel running around loose in our apartment but that little fellow kept coming back no matter how many times we called animal control.  That bushy fellow kept me up many nights laying in my bed listening for the sounds of his little feet scampering across my floor.

That apartment was where Kara and I learned the Single Ladies dance, where our fog machine set off the smoke alarm and we got to try on the firefighters uniforms, where I kissed my first love, where Paige and I discovered that we have very different reactions to tequila, where we threw up black sheets over the windows so we could have a perfect area to watch a Dexter marathon without a TV glare, where I put on my cap and gown for my college graduation, and where I learned that friends can become family.

That apartment represents my last two years of college--which are the best years of college.

Regrets

 I woke up this morning with a message from a friend of mine concerning life regrets.  She listed off regrets that she has about things that she did...and things she didn't do.

I remember filling out one of those silly questionnaires that would get passed around on facebook in college and answering a questions about regrets.  You know the questionnaires I'm talking about ---the ones with questions like:  What is your dream vacation? (Hogwarts).  What is sitting immediately to the right of you? (The cat).  What did you eat for breakfast? (Coffee). People would fill out those things like they were popping M&Ms in their mouth. 

I remember a question that went something along the lines of this:


"Do you have regrets?"  Arrogantly I answered with some remark about how life should be lived without regrets.  Each moment contains something that you can learn from so therefore you should never regret a single moment of your life.

I'm pretty sure that the answer seemed reasonable at the time.  In fact I'm pretty sure that at that moment in time--my life was close to perfect.  And I still believe that my answer is partly correct.  You can learn from every moment in your life--but why should that mean you can't regret it?  Why can't you vow to cut out your very heart in hopes to go back and do something differently?

You see the thing is...if you don't have regrets, how can you ever learn from them?
Take a moment and list out your three biggest regrets.  I guarantee you that you'll figure something out about yourself.

Mine?
1.  Ruining what was a wonderful and honest friendship.  I'll never stop regretting that he isn't there anymore.
2.  Quitting theatre. I loved being onstage and I let the world tell me to give up.  So I did.
3.   Not believing in myself and settling in life.
 

Tragedy and Revelations

A little over a month ago my uncle was put in the hospital for what seemed to be something to not cause too much worry.  Four weeks later I was speaking to a huge, packed out church standing over my uncle's casket.  I'm not going to go into the emotions that my family experienced and are still experiencing--it's unexplainable and impossible to emphasize with because each loved one lost is a different experience to everyone.  What I do want to go into are the things that God has revealed to me through this tragedy.

Life is short.  No matter how long you live--life is still short.  I've spent so much time saying "I'll do this eventually when I can.  What I can afford to. When I loose weight;" the excuses are endless.  So I'm trimming the fat in my life.

I'm no longer going to surround myself with people mindlessly.  I know who my best friends are.  The ones who called me.  The ones who cried with me. The ones who know me inside out.  Those are the ones that I'll keep close.  I like all my friends, but my heart can only be open to a select few.

My family is everything to me.  I cherish every moment I spend with them and I'm happiest with them.  It's time to make them a top priority.

There is a reason I haven't found a church in Raleigh.  I already have a church.  That I love.  That I intend to become more involved with as things start falling into place soon.

 God has revealed a new life to me.  A life that I ignored and decided against when I moved to Raleigh.  It's time to change.

This post is dedicated to my Uncle Mike

the words "I Love You"

Last night as I stood with some of my family in the ICU waiting room and listened to our voices reaching out to God for healing I was filled with happiness and love.  Despite everything around me--not one dark thought was able to enter my mind.

Afterward while we talked about how my uncle has a family filled with fierce love for one another, my uncle Glenn said something that has stuck with me:
(for reference purposes, my uncle Glenn is married into the family.  As is my uncle Mike.)

"This family loves one another.  It's shocking.  When I first met this family I was shocked by the amount of people who said 'I love you' to another and how many hugs were exchanged.  It took time for me to get used to it.  My family didn't do that.  This family says it every chance they get.  And that's special."

I tell people I love them as often as possible, including my close friends.  It's natural.  It's normal.  I need them to know.  I want them to know.  But as I've gotten older I have noticed that it throws people for a shock.  I dated someone once whose family hardly ever exchanging hugs, compliments, or much less "I love you."  They just didn't do it.

I don't know how many families and friends exchange these words on a daily basis.  Of course, just saying them isn't enough--you have to mean it.  I know that my family loves me without pause.  I have floods of memories with my family that are entrenched with love.  And when I speak to my family and see them, I am 100% happier than I was the moment before.

In that room last night, I felt God's spirit as well as the weight of a family's love in the room.  And it's because of that feeling, because of the knowledge that my family's love is true that I know these present circumstances will not stop us.  We will continue fighting.  My uncle Mike will continue fighting.  For his family.  For Kelley. For Katie. For Lauren. And for his wife, my aunt Sandra.  We don't know why things are what they are--but I pray that we can show the hospital and others that our love for one another is unwavering.  And that our love derives from our relationship with Christ.  And that it is because of Him that we will survive this.

Happy New Year

Yeah, I've been a little MIA the month of December but here I am :)  To celebrate the new year I think a slight 2011 recap is in order.

Kelley and Cameron

Ringing in 2011 the Wizarding World of Harry Potter was a wonderful way to end the dreadful year of 2010 and welcome wonderful 2011.  This trip also introduced Cameron and I to the Rockin Roller Coaster and we now have an unforgettable DVD of the experience.






Then came my first taste of a baking craze.  Which eventually led to my teeny tiny cupcake business: The Cupcake Pub.  I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Paige for giving me the push I needed.  Right in time for her gorgeous wedding.

Paige and Brian

And of course, weddings come with really fun bacherlorette parties.

 Let's not forget that the final Harry Potter move came out this summer.  Ahh what a night of fun, tears, and excitement.

 I also was introduced to the Very Potter Musical and the Hunger Games this year.  Wonderful :)

At the end of a summer filled with Sanford and the beach I bid farewell and good luck to Sage as she made the big move to Kansas. I myself moved back to Raleigh with Ashley and Anna. 

Anna

 And bought my dream car.

Phoenix

2011 was the year of several road trips, including a couple of trips to Busch Gardens.  Trips that filled with roller coasters, scarecrows, hotels, and freezing our butts off.

Ashley, Emily, Kelley

Busch Gardens hit Ashley and I just right.  I'm slowly pushing her towards roller coasters--even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming on every ride.  She'll learn to love it.  I also got to spend a lot of time with Kelley on these trips which I think was wonderful. In fact, this year in general led to many opportunities to grow closer with Kelley and Cameron on road trips.

Cameron

All in all it was a great year.  And I look forward to the upcoming year :)

The Sidekick.

"No! No! No! Noooo-! This isn't about you.  Why does every conversation we have always have to turn into Potter talk?"
"It isn't Potter talk--"
"No! No! I'm miserable!  And all you can do is talk about yourself.  You're like the most self absorbed guy I know!  But if you were miserable I'd be there for you but you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it.  So, so...good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after.  Me?  I am never gonna be happy again.  So I'm just gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days."  (from A Very Potter Musical)

Do you ever have moments where you feel like the sidekick in your own life?

Or do you know people who seem to stare at you blankly while you're talking, just waiting for their opportunity to talk again?  Or those people who seem to always wanna talk about what's going on with them and never ask about you?  Or when they do ask they always find a way to make it about them again--or just dismiss your response while they continue on about themselves?  I know several people like this--I'm sure everyone is like this sometimes but for some it just seems to be who they are. And it's fine.  It's just that after you spend so much time with someone like this you start to forget that you have a life to.  You aren't the sidekick in your own life despite how they constantly make you feel.

Take charge.  And remember that you are the star of your own life--not them.

Also remember that Frodo was awful and should have died. 

The Duck Was Rescued.

Today I began a new job.  And saved a baby duck.  And I have almost completely cut ties with the other lease holder.

Today was a great day.

But the coolest part of today was definitely the baby duck.  While walking during lunch with a coworker we watched as a baby duck rushed across the busy street and was almost slammed with a car--but thankfully the car hit the brakes and barely missed it (possibly from my co-worker and I's frantic arm waving).  Once the car moved around the little duck, he then sat down right in the middle of the street. I then rushed across the street and scooped up the little ducky and returned him to the lake.

I've often wanted to be scooped up during my perils in life and returned to safety.  I thought about this today when I realized that I have been scooped up and saved in the nick of time.  At the hands of "friends," death, debt, and depression I have gotten to the point where I just sat down in the middle of it with the thought of "meh. no point."  And it's then that God sends angels in the form of friends, life, new opportunities, and true happiness.  So today, as I sat and listened to all the new job training and felt slightly overwhelmed, I thought about how these past several months have been on the up and up and the changes I'm facing-- I smiled.

Bachelorette Party....oh. excuse me: partay ;)

They are epic within our culture.  It's the one night where you can get away with anything.

Anything.

You'll also end up with photos like this.  I have no idea what's happening.

As in at the end of the night a pair of boxers is found in your purse with someone's signature on them with no idea how they got there.

Anything can...and will...happen at a bachelorette party.  And it will never be discussed outside the circle.

I came across this blog, What White Chicks Cherish: Bachelorette Parties, and realized that my own recent bachelorette party excursion is not so different from the typical night of drinks, yelling, and dancing.

The words "She's getting married!!! It's a bachelorette party!"  will make every guy you run into blush and melt like candy in your hands.  I have no idea why, but you can easily get them to do anything.  Maybe it's the oh so alluring bride-to-be sash with all of our matching buttons or maybe they just want to be part of the night that will get talked about over cups of coffee for the rest of our lives--they want to be the guy who gave you his boxers or let you write on his chest.  A moment of immortality, forever remembered in the phrase "I went to a bachelorette party once where this crazy guy..."

 

Paige apparently believes I'm frisky according to the button she gave me.  But hey, like the TSA, I'm just concerned for our national security.  

For some reason this night becomes a night with no limits, an exception to the rule, a moment in history.  So I toast to one of my best friends, I girl I've known since kindergarten, a girl who gets married in a few days.

Our lovely bride to be

I Need A Doctor. Or a Home Slice.

I heard this song for the first time driving to kickboxing earlier this week.  If you know me at all you should already know that I'm in love with Eminem.  I have an unbelievable amount of respect and admiration for him.  So of course when I heard his voice on the radio I immediately rolled down my windows and turned the volume up.  Several seconds later I quickly rolled my windows back up when I realized that I had a tear in my eye.  (Well that's a lie. I'm just trying to sound tough.  There were at least three tears...)

As the song ended I found myself sitting in the Tae Kwon Do parking lot sobbing into my workout T-shirt.  (Well I guess there goes my street cred...I'll just throw a recyclable can away in the trash can instead of the recycle bin tomorrow.  That's right.  Don's mess with me.)

I often get emotional during songs that touch my heart (Not Ke$ha.  Please don't taunt me.)  And Eminem's recent album has had a hand on my heart strings from the moment I heard him break out these lyrics: 

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

 But back to the subject matter.  My insane lapse of emotional control.  Dr. Dre's I Need A Doctor with Skylar Grey and Eminem is amazing.  The beat is phenomenal but the lyrics play to my heart strings something crazy.  Eminem's pleas to Dr. Dre, and Skylar's chorus, echo my own silent pleas to the Dr. Dre in my life.  But without anymore of my incessant rambling: 

*WARNING* Explicit Lyrics

To clear the record.  I quickly cleaned my face before I walked into kickboxing and kicked off my shoes and put my boxing gloves on.  No one ever knew.  

Well I guess until now. 

Fun things my friends say...Installment One

I have fantastic friends.  So in honor of that, every once in awhile there will be a collection of unforgettable statements that need to be shared.

Sage and I were playing "I spy" at a bridal shower.  The clue she gave me was the color white.
Me: Umm...the paper towels.
Sage: No.
Me: The windowsill
Sage: No.  Think beyond.
Me:  Beyond?  Um...like outside beyond?
Sage: Beyond.
Me: whisper: the overall feel of this party?
Sage: No! hahahaha Beyond.
Me:  Can I see it?
Sage: No Jenna.  It's three miles away inside the Burger King.  It's the napkin on the table.  Of course you can see it.

***
Me:  Southern women can worry a wart away.
Ashley:  You worry a lot too.
Me:  I'm a Southern woman.

***
Ashley:  I have the will of the Ramen noodle. 

***
Kelley:  I didn't like that Vanessa Hudgens was so pretty the whole time.  That's ridiculous.

***
Brian was playing with the bee-bee gun (unloaded) and put it on Sage's arm to be funny
Sage: Man that would tear the flesh if you shot it.
Brian:  Probably, but it's unloaded.  Man if someone put a gun up to somebody like that I would get so mad at them and go off on them...(then he was quiet for a second)...I probably shouldn't have held that gun up to you...  ... ...I'm really sorry.

***
Kara:  Same mess.  Different Toilet.

***
Sea Lion from my Dream:  Remember Jenna, to you it may be just a closet...but to some people it's all they have.  Now go. Find the water buffalo.  (I should mention that I have vivid and unforgettable dreams)

The Grief Playlist

Since December 2009 I had been traveling through an intense personal storm and I have finally emerged.  I can easily sit on the grass and enjoy the sunshine now.  I even caught myself humming happily while shopping this afternoon.  So what I have for you now is a playlist that took over a year to create, but here it is an offer to anyone going though trouble (KE!)

Basically this is just a list of songs for depressing situations that either allow you to wallow, connect, or move on.  I'm doing this because everyone needs a song that fits them when their down :)  And one of the things I've learned through a year of a broken heart, a death, and a broken friendship...is that music touches your soul.
Break Ups:
Forget You by Cee Lo Green

Breathe by Taylor Swift
Cryin by Aerosmith
Thinkin' About Something (a great moving on song) by Hanson

So What by Pink
White Horse by Taylor Swift
Hit 'Em Up Style by Blu Cantrell
Undo It by Carrie Underwood
Ridin' Solo by Jason Derulo -enjoy it!

Negative Influences:
Not Afraid by Eminem -I really can't express how personally touching this song is.  It reminds you of how strong you really and regardless of what you're fighting, you've gotta bite back the fear and face it.  And it's when you're going through this that your friends show their true selves.

No Love By Eminem feat. Lil' Wayne
Just Like A Pill by Pink 
Backstabber by Ke$ha


Lost Friendships:  I read somewhere once that losing your best friend can be equivalent to a divorce on a person emotionally.
Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

 

Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson

You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
For Good from Wicked -because no matter how upset you may be at each other, in the end you still love what you had and you still care about your best friend

Death:

Glitter in the Air by Pink -this song has nothing to do with death, but for some reason the picture of life in this song is comforting after losing someone

I Dreamed a Dream from Les Misrables

My Immortal by Evanescene

The Best Day by Taylor Swift

Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamikawiwo'ole

Misc.:

Sober by Pink  -this a great song to have on hand when dealing with yourself being the culprit

Nobody Knows by Pink -if you write, sing, dance, draw...whatever and you loose your inner voice, this is a great song
Thank Goodness from Wicked  -when you're lying to yourself  
Defying Gravity from Wicked -for when you are ready to move on from anything and trust yourself
F'kin Perfect by Pink -my friend told me after listening to this song that she feels that this is what God is always saying to us.

Ok, so I know that this isn't a real blog...but I love music on days when I can't seem to express myself, or when I song takes the words right out of my mouth.  And now that I'm sitting in the sun and sitting pretty I thought I'd share my old playlist for my friends that are going their own difficult time :)

The arms of God

I sit in my car in the dark parking lot after dropping off some of the best girls in the world when suddenly AF and EP come rushing back down the alleyway, beaming with excitement.  Pulling open my car door with exhilaration they fill my seat with books.  Nothing special.  Just books they have read that they wish me to read.

All in all, this is not a significant event of any sort.  I am often getting in and out of my car in that parking lot, walking down that same dark alleyway, spending evenings sharing stories, laughter, and exotic foods with these girls, etc.  But after saying final goodbyes and making my way back home, I look over at the books in my passenger seat and smile.

Friendship.  I've come across a lot of quotes, definitions, and stories of friendship but as I drove home that night I felt the arms of friendship.  I expected nothing out of these two girls and gained everything.  When I first met them I never expected anything out of it, and yet they pushed their way into my life bringing an ever constant flow of smiles and strong support.  The first time I noticed this was like being hit by a brick out of nowhere.  I was in the midst of heartbreaking situation and found myself on AC2, EP, and AF's couch surrounded by all three of them only to learn that they had been discussing the current trouble in my life and took it upon themselves to offer me everything.  They offered advice, a lending ear, shoulder to cry on, food, fun activities...they offered me a sincere friendship without ever asking for anything in return.

Friendship, caring for someone, is a continual sub-conscience decision to do whatever it take to make them happy.  It is loving someone.  It is an act of God.  God is love.  In friendships such as these, you can see God.  I was asked recently to share an experience in my life where I have seen community, seen friendship, that was a show of God's Love.  This was my answer:

It was a day before her birthday.  A newlywed, with a full-time job, spending her evenings teaching a class full of VBS kids, it was a moment in her life that should have been spent anywhere than where she spent it.  She should have been at work.  She should have been preparing for VBS.  She should have been spending time with her new husband.  She should have been relishing in birthday joy.

So where was she? Beside a deathbed.

It was the final hours of my grandmother's life and I was rushing home, trying to drive while wiping tears away from eyes.  The trees lining the highway were a complete blur, the other cars seemed to be out of place; the only real thing was AJ's voice on my phone.  When I finally arrived at my grandma's house, AJ arrived mere minutes behind me.  She spent the day with a family that was not her own, tending to their needs, sacrificing her own needs.  While we watched, waited and cried into the wee hours of the morning, she was there as long as time would allow.  That is what God's Love looks like.  It was not her hands that brought us water, it was not her arms that wrapped around us, it was not her voice whispering in our ears--it was God's.

So when I looked over at those books in my passenger seat after what seemed like an insignificant event; I realized that a true friendship is a friendship that reflects His Love.  It is His way of wrapping his arms around us here on earth.

Dedication note:  First of all I will NOT be making a habit out of dedicating blogs to people. It's silly.  But in spite of that, this is dedicated to AF and AJ.

Dinner. With that one person.

Do you remember that question you used to get asked in English class? "If you could choose anyone to have dinner with, dead or alive, who would you choose?"

I would concoct the wildest and most amazing dinners in my head filled with fantasies of sitting in an English pub with Shakespeare discussing the issue of fate and self fulfilled prophecy over beer

or

Basking in the sun on a rock in the mermaid's lagoon with Peter Pan while I tried to explain to him that Tinkerbell has a serious crush on him while we shared a bowl of mac and cheese and juicy juice

or

Having a cozy romantic evening with the lovely Leonardo Dicaprio while sharing a plate of spaghetti in the hopes they we would eventually pick up the same noddle and our lips would meet...ahh the mix of Lady and the Tramp with Leonardo is wonderful--Bella Notte

But when I came across this question today, my answer surprised me.  His name came to me in an instant, loudly, and impossible to ignore.  I thought for sure it would me be my grandmother, a last moment to tell her how much I love her.  Or that it would be a famous author like Khalid Hosseini or JK Rowling.  Or even Severus Snape (my strong desire to get him to openly talk to someone about his past consumes me sometimes--he perhaps could have found love if he had opened up to somebody).

But no.  Just one name came to mind.  Strange, since a couple of months ago having dinner with him would have been no big deal.  Just a quick phone call and off we were to meet up.

There are a lot of people that come and go from your life.  I myself have lost several people this year through death, break-ups, and just realizing that some people don't work well as friends.  But there some people in your life, very few people, who when you feel their absence, if even for a moment, it is unbearable.

Think about this saying:   
                 Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.

That sort of loss is not an everyday loss.  When someone you loved more than yourself, someone that you would do anything for breaks the connection for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year--it covers everything with a dark shroud.  

But think about this quote:  "We all lose friends... we lose them in death, to distance, and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz

If I could choose anyone to have dinner with, dead or alive, who would I choose?

Not a historical figure, not an imaginary character, not the deceased...I would choose someone that I care about, the person that I've hurt, the person I need and want to forgive, the person who has always been my best friend.

So, I'll sit at the dinner table.  Alone for now, hoping that the candle on the table is bright enough to be seen.

bah humbug with marshmallows on top

I have an insane intense desire to say something.  Problem is that I'm not quite sure what.  But what I am sure of is that 2011 is going to be a great year. 

All in all I've had a great life.  I'm not trying brag or gloat, but it's true.  I've always been a genuine happy person who woke up every morning excited about the day, excited about life and I went to bed every night peacefully and blissfully.

Then 2010 hit. And it hit hard.  All the years free of trouble have finally caught up to me.  Granted I should have seen it coming, no one can have a perfect life but regardless 2010 took me by surprise.

I understand that it's only the beginning of December, and it's a bit early for a New Year's Blog and that I should instead be writing about how excited I am about Christmas.  Well I am not excited about Christmas, I turn the station every time a Christmas Carol comes on, I refused to put a star on top of my little Christmas tree (I choose a bird named Lolita instead), I will not send out Christmas cards, and the usual joy I get in Christmas shopping has disappeared.  So please don't stone me just yet, give me the small joy I have in knowing that this year is almost over.

EY (not my father or grandfather) asked me the other night what my New Year's resolution was.  I've never been a New Year's resolutions kind of girl, but after considering the question I looked at him and said "To have a good year."

To have a good year.  Now the question is how to go about fulfilling this resolution.  Most of what 2010 has brought has been unavoidable, so it's within reason to say that unavoidable misfortunes could come in 2011, so how do I make it a good year regardless?  Easy, I've learned a lot this year, now it's time to apply that.

Things I've learned:

• People are a dime a dozen.  Real friends who are there for you no matter what are very few and far between.  I've seen the true colors of many people in my life this year and I intend to be very picky on who is in my circle of trust....yes I did just watch Meet the Parents.
• Having a job is always better than not having a job.  This point is proven to me every time I make my rent check and my student loan check.  And in all honesty, I adore my coworkers, so all is well.
• Hug your family.  Hug your friends.  
• Remember that just because it seems impossible for someone to be gone forever, doesn't mean it won't happen.  Cherish your grandparents.  Call them.  Kiss them.  Cook for them.  They love you.
• Don't be afraid to try a new church out of your comfort zone.  And Korean food is awesome.  
• You are dying.  Every second of the day brings you closer and closer.  So don't let your life pass you by!  Do something.  Spend a weekend on a canoe, watch Beauty and the Beast with your friend, take a ton of pictures, take a kickboxing class, learn to make fondant, travel just to be traveling, dye your hair, learn to ride a motorcycle....never be afraid of anything.

It's snowing outside, time for me to go dance.

balloons.

My room was filled with balloons.  After returning from kickboxing class (my newest endeavor on experimenting with my life) I opened my bedroom door to find that my dear AF had filled my room with balloons.  Instantly my heart was warmed and I had a case of uncontrollable giggles.  It's amazing what a hundred brightly colored balloons can do for your soul.  I went to sleep that night on a happy note, my soul seeming to dance around in a world of rainbow balls. When I awoke and saw the balloons again with the sun from the window illuminating them I felt I was living in a tiny fairy tale land as I got dressed for work.  Taking a look around my balloon filled room before I closed the door to leave, I smiled and looked forward to when I would return.


Balloons.  Balloons can look different in different lights.

When I did return, they seemed to heed a warning to me.  I ignored them.  And in a matter of minutes the light changed, the mood changed, a friendship changed....and the balloons changed.  They mocked me.  Every last balloon seemed to hold within the proof of my toxic touch on something beautiful.  They danced playfully in the light making fun of me. 

I spent the next few days popping them, positive that their destruction would alleviate the pressure in my mind.  If I could make my surroundings match my inside, then things would be better...my room would no longer be a fun house mocking my every emotion. 

My pastor reminded me of something.  With everything in life we should give thanksgiving to God.  Thanking God isn't something that should only occur when our life is going great, but it should occur no matter how your life is going.  So when your life is becoming increasingly similar to Job's; continue your praise.  Continue your thanksgiving.

After being reminded of this I returned home and looked at the few balloons that remained on my floor.  After praising and thanking God for every aspect of my life, the balloons were no longer symbols of my toxicity.  They were symbols of hope.  Each brightly colored balloon directly challenges my own insecurity and toxic touch and I greatly welcome the challenge.

I hope they win.

because we are mature adults.

This is a story that was concocted Friday night after lots of candy corn and pizza.  Apologies ahead of time.

There were four girls traveling in the woods:  Ashley the Elf Wizard, Jenna the Pixie, Emily the Narwhal, and Sage the unicorn trapped in the evil booger.  The evil booger had been slowly trying to over take the make believe world and the girls were off to find Anna. the Wise Tree because she would be able to tell them how to save Sage the Unicorn from the evil booger.  All was going well along the way as the girls munched on chocolate pumpkin pecan cupcakes until Jenna the Pixie's arm got taken over by the evil booger!  Emily the Narwhal remembered that Ashley the Elf Wizard knew a spell that might help Sage the Unicorn and Jenna the Pixie, but unfortunately Ashley the Elf Wizard was a narcoleptic and she feel asleep...and then the booger sucked her up to.  Soon after they finally found Anna the Wise Tree but after much discourse the Wise Tree could not help them.  Anna the Wise Tree explained that the only way to defeat the evil booger would be with a million tissue papers but she could not cut down her branches to make the tissue paper because the branches were a part of her life.  The girls were sad and thought all was lost until they remembered that Jenna the Pixie had a magic wand!  Emily the Narwhal and Jenna the Pixie used their combined powers to produce a million tissue papers and saved Ashley the Elf Wizard and Sage the Unicorn!!!  Ashley the Elf Wizard was still fast asleep so Jenna the Pixie gave her pixie dust and she awoke with an insane amount of energy.  Jenna the Pixie realized that she gave Ashley the Elf Wizard too much pixie dust, so she tied Ashley the Elf Wizard to Anne the Wise Tree to calm her down.  Then the three remaining girls went to the sea to bid Emily the Narwhal farewell as she rejoined her Prince Narwhal Charming.  Then Jenna the Pixie met M&M the Fairy aka Michael Makers and they fell in love while Sage the Unicorn leapt happily in the field of flowers.   And every Thanksgiving the girls return to Anna the Wise Tree and eat turkey with pixie dust.

And now I have most likely officially lost all my potential respect as a blogger.  But then again how much respect does a blogger require in their narcissistic view of their internal musings?  Kudos to NS for that :)

And double Kudos to AJC, EP, AF, and SS for the story.