The Grief Playlist

Since December 2009 I had been traveling through an intense personal storm and I have finally emerged.  I can easily sit on the grass and enjoy the sunshine now.  I even caught myself humming happily while shopping this afternoon.  So what I have for you now is a playlist that took over a year to create, but here it is an offer to anyone going though trouble (KE!)

Basically this is just a list of songs for depressing situations that either allow you to wallow, connect, or move on.  I'm doing this because everyone needs a song that fits them when their down :)  And one of the things I've learned through a year of a broken heart, a death, and a broken friendship...is that music touches your soul.
Break Ups:
Forget You by Cee Lo Green

Breathe by Taylor Swift
Cryin by Aerosmith
Thinkin' About Something (a great moving on song) by Hanson

So What by Pink
White Horse by Taylor Swift
Hit 'Em Up Style by Blu Cantrell
Undo It by Carrie Underwood
Ridin' Solo by Jason Derulo -enjoy it!

Negative Influences:
Not Afraid by Eminem -I really can't express how personally touching this song is.  It reminds you of how strong you really and regardless of what you're fighting, you've gotta bite back the fear and face it.  And it's when you're going through this that your friends show their true selves.

No Love By Eminem feat. Lil' Wayne
Just Like A Pill by Pink 
Backstabber by Ke$ha


Lost Friendships:  I read somewhere once that losing your best friend can be equivalent to a divorce on a person emotionally.
Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

 

Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson

You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
For Good from Wicked -because no matter how upset you may be at each other, in the end you still love what you had and you still care about your best friend

Death:

Glitter in the Air by Pink -this song has nothing to do with death, but for some reason the picture of life in this song is comforting after losing someone

I Dreamed a Dream from Les Misrables

My Immortal by Evanescene

The Best Day by Taylor Swift

Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamikawiwo'ole

Misc.:

Sober by Pink  -this a great song to have on hand when dealing with yourself being the culprit

Nobody Knows by Pink -if you write, sing, dance, draw...whatever and you loose your inner voice, this is a great song
Thank Goodness from Wicked  -when you're lying to yourself  
Defying Gravity from Wicked -for when you are ready to move on from anything and trust yourself
F'kin Perfect by Pink -my friend told me after listening to this song that she feels that this is what God is always saying to us.

Ok, so I know that this isn't a real blog...but I love music on days when I can't seem to express myself, or when I song takes the words right out of my mouth.  And now that I'm sitting in the sun and sitting pretty I thought I'd share my old playlist for my friends that are going their own difficult time :)

5K Training- Installment One

My boss convinced me to sign up for my very first 5K. 

Now let’s get one thing straight:  I don’t like to run.  I almost resent the entire act itself.  I often find myself driving past these people that are running at 7:30 AM and my immediate thought is “Who do they think they are?  With their fancy shoes and spandex pants?  Out running around like they’re so much better than everybody else because they run.  Ridiculous.  Everyone can run—it is God’s way of allowing you to escape from the dog next door, the cops, or to avoid your ex-boyfriend at the mall.  It is by no means something to show off about.

But let’s be honest—well, let me honest.  I feel this way because I can’t run.  There I said it.  Go ahead, laugh and taunt me (for I am rubber and you are glue; everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you. Oooooo snap.)  So when the opportunity came up to be sponsored, I decided that no longer would I be the walker.  I would be the runner.  Life is full of so many amazing opportunities and chances to do stuff to better yourself, and lately I’ve been trying to grab every single one of them.  Besides…how hard could it be?

Day 1 of Training:

AF and I decided to join a tae kwon do kickboxing class; I’ve done kickboxing before, but no where near to this extent.  This was hard core serious kickboxing—and I do not exaggerate: the instructor at one point sat on somebody’s back while they stretched.  Yes. 

Now before I continue, I must try to make myself sound not entirely pathetic.  I had been sick, in fact I had left work early just the day before and spent a fair amount of time at the doctor and then the rest of the day sprawled in bed with a box of tissues, chamomile tea, and The Godfather (nothing compares to watching Michael Corleone transform from amicable civilian to intimidating Don Corleone while you sip on “sleepytime” tea).  Not only had I been sick, I have a bad habit of replacing my daily intake of water with coffee.  This is a new habit of mine, I’ve always consumed copious amounts of the lovely nectar that is coffee, but usually I’ve been pretty watchful on countering it with water.  Lately this has not been the case, just coffee…and chai tea. And more coffee.

So when I pulled off my socks and tennis shoes and walked onto the mat I was reeling off a bout of sickness and I was high on caffeine…and extremely dehydrated.  Perhaps I am making excuses. So be it.  Twenty minutes later as I circled around AF exchanging punches, I noticed that the music was getting farther away and her voice was disappearing…as well as my surroundings.   

Subsequently I discovered myself on the bleachers watching AF’s face fade in and out of sight while I realized that I truly had overestimated myself and underestimated this upcoming 5K. 

But hear me out.  I will dominate this 5K.  I may have failed my first day of training—but this girl learns from her mistakes.  So 5K, here I come. 

The arms of God

I sit in my car in the dark parking lot after dropping off some of the best girls in the world when suddenly AF and EP come rushing back down the alleyway, beaming with excitement.  Pulling open my car door with exhilaration they fill my seat with books.  Nothing special.  Just books they have read that they wish me to read.

All in all, this is not a significant event of any sort.  I am often getting in and out of my car in that parking lot, walking down that same dark alleyway, spending evenings sharing stories, laughter, and exotic foods with these girls, etc.  But after saying final goodbyes and making my way back home, I look over at the books in my passenger seat and smile.

Friendship.  I've come across a lot of quotes, definitions, and stories of friendship but as I drove home that night I felt the arms of friendship.  I expected nothing out of these two girls and gained everything.  When I first met them I never expected anything out of it, and yet they pushed their way into my life bringing an ever constant flow of smiles and strong support.  The first time I noticed this was like being hit by a brick out of nowhere.  I was in the midst of heartbreaking situation and found myself on AC2, EP, and AF's couch surrounded by all three of them only to learn that they had been discussing the current trouble in my life and took it upon themselves to offer me everything.  They offered advice, a lending ear, shoulder to cry on, food, fun activities...they offered me a sincere friendship without ever asking for anything in return.

Friendship, caring for someone, is a continual sub-conscience decision to do whatever it take to make them happy.  It is loving someone.  It is an act of God.  God is love.  In friendships such as these, you can see God.  I was asked recently to share an experience in my life where I have seen community, seen friendship, that was a show of God's Love.  This was my answer:

It was a day before her birthday.  A newlywed, with a full-time job, spending her evenings teaching a class full of VBS kids, it was a moment in her life that should have been spent anywhere than where she spent it.  She should have been at work.  She should have been preparing for VBS.  She should have been spending time with her new husband.  She should have been relishing in birthday joy.

So where was she? Beside a deathbed.

It was the final hours of my grandmother's life and I was rushing home, trying to drive while wiping tears away from eyes.  The trees lining the highway were a complete blur, the other cars seemed to be out of place; the only real thing was AJ's voice on my phone.  When I finally arrived at my grandma's house, AJ arrived mere minutes behind me.  She spent the day with a family that was not her own, tending to their needs, sacrificing her own needs.  While we watched, waited and cried into the wee hours of the morning, she was there as long as time would allow.  That is what God's Love looks like.  It was not her hands that brought us water, it was not her arms that wrapped around us, it was not her voice whispering in our ears--it was God's.

So when I looked over at those books in my passenger seat after what seemed like an insignificant event; I realized that a true friendship is a friendship that reflects His Love.  It is His way of wrapping his arms around us here on earth.

Dedication note:  First of all I will NOT be making a habit out of dedicating blogs to people. It's silly.  But in spite of that, this is dedicated to AF and AJ.

Dinner. With that one person.

Do you remember that question you used to get asked in English class? "If you could choose anyone to have dinner with, dead or alive, who would you choose?"

I would concoct the wildest and most amazing dinners in my head filled with fantasies of sitting in an English pub with Shakespeare discussing the issue of fate and self fulfilled prophecy over beer

or

Basking in the sun on a rock in the mermaid's lagoon with Peter Pan while I tried to explain to him that Tinkerbell has a serious crush on him while we shared a bowl of mac and cheese and juicy juice

or

Having a cozy romantic evening with the lovely Leonardo Dicaprio while sharing a plate of spaghetti in the hopes they we would eventually pick up the same noddle and our lips would meet...ahh the mix of Lady and the Tramp with Leonardo is wonderful--Bella Notte

But when I came across this question today, my answer surprised me.  His name came to me in an instant, loudly, and impossible to ignore.  I thought for sure it would me be my grandmother, a last moment to tell her how much I love her.  Or that it would be a famous author like Khalid Hosseini or JK Rowling.  Or even Severus Snape (my strong desire to get him to openly talk to someone about his past consumes me sometimes--he perhaps could have found love if he had opened up to somebody).

But no.  Just one name came to mind.  Strange, since a couple of months ago having dinner with him would have been no big deal.  Just a quick phone call and off we were to meet up.

There are a lot of people that come and go from your life.  I myself have lost several people this year through death, break-ups, and just realizing that some people don't work well as friends.  But there some people in your life, very few people, who when you feel their absence, if even for a moment, it is unbearable.

Think about this saying:   
                 Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.

That sort of loss is not an everyday loss.  When someone you loved more than yourself, someone that you would do anything for breaks the connection for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year--it covers everything with a dark shroud.  

But think about this quote:  "We all lose friends... we lose them in death, to distance, and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz

If I could choose anyone to have dinner with, dead or alive, who would I choose?

Not a historical figure, not an imaginary character, not the deceased...I would choose someone that I care about, the person that I've hurt, the person I need and want to forgive, the person who has always been my best friend.

So, I'll sit at the dinner table.  Alone for now, hoping that the candle on the table is bright enough to be seen.

Breathe

Breathing.

It's an everyday activity.  Natural.  You aren't even aware that you're doing it.  But you are. Right now. and now. and now. and again. and again.

Now stop.  Try and hold it for 55 seconds.

ok breathe.  It's when you don't breathe that you all the sudden become aware of how important a breath of air is.  It sustains you, gives you life.

Have you ever been so upset to the point you can't breathe? It sounds impossible.  How can you not breathe because of an emotion?  You aren't drowning, you're not inhaling smoke; you're in a perfectly good oxygen filled room, the only thing keeping you from breathing is your emotional state, but an emotional state can quickly transcend into a physical one.  You're broken, so emotionally broken that your mind begins quickly to loose focus on normal habitual activities, like breathing.  Your brain is only thinking about your emotional distress, your thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour, replaying conversations, watching memories dance hauntingly in your mind.  Your emotional pain becomes the only focus.  You gasp for air but you can't find it, you can't calm yourself down enough to catch a breath.  You, or a friend, has to physically say, "Breathe.  Take a deep breath."  Often your friend will actually have to mimic the art of breathing until you remember how to do it again.

And then all of the sudden, things become clearer.  The world isn't spinning.  You are breathing.

Life.

It's easy to see why the act of breathing translates into a soothing activity.  Going through a heartache you're often told to take each day at a time and breathe.  A simple direction: to breathe.  Close your eyes, cover your ears, and breathe.  Do you hear that?  The slow intake of breath, followed by a slow release; its soothing. You can actually hear yourself, alive, and breathing.

So stop what you're doing and breathe.

bah humbug with marshmallows on top

I have an insane intense desire to say something.  Problem is that I'm not quite sure what.  But what I am sure of is that 2011 is going to be a great year. 

All in all I've had a great life.  I'm not trying brag or gloat, but it's true.  I've always been a genuine happy person who woke up every morning excited about the day, excited about life and I went to bed every night peacefully and blissfully.

Then 2010 hit. And it hit hard.  All the years free of trouble have finally caught up to me.  Granted I should have seen it coming, no one can have a perfect life but regardless 2010 took me by surprise.

I understand that it's only the beginning of December, and it's a bit early for a New Year's Blog and that I should instead be writing about how excited I am about Christmas.  Well I am not excited about Christmas, I turn the station every time a Christmas Carol comes on, I refused to put a star on top of my little Christmas tree (I choose a bird named Lolita instead), I will not send out Christmas cards, and the usual joy I get in Christmas shopping has disappeared.  So please don't stone me just yet, give me the small joy I have in knowing that this year is almost over.

EY (not my father or grandfather) asked me the other night what my New Year's resolution was.  I've never been a New Year's resolutions kind of girl, but after considering the question I looked at him and said "To have a good year."

To have a good year.  Now the question is how to go about fulfilling this resolution.  Most of what 2010 has brought has been unavoidable, so it's within reason to say that unavoidable misfortunes could come in 2011, so how do I make it a good year regardless?  Easy, I've learned a lot this year, now it's time to apply that.

Things I've learned:

• People are a dime a dozen.  Real friends who are there for you no matter what are very few and far between.  I've seen the true colors of many people in my life this year and I intend to be very picky on who is in my circle of trust....yes I did just watch Meet the Parents.
• Having a job is always better than not having a job.  This point is proven to me every time I make my rent check and my student loan check.  And in all honesty, I adore my coworkers, so all is well.
• Hug your family.  Hug your friends.  
• Remember that just because it seems impossible for someone to be gone forever, doesn't mean it won't happen.  Cherish your grandparents.  Call them.  Kiss them.  Cook for them.  They love you.
• Don't be afraid to try a new church out of your comfort zone.  And Korean food is awesome.  
• You are dying.  Every second of the day brings you closer and closer.  So don't let your life pass you by!  Do something.  Spend a weekend on a canoe, watch Beauty and the Beast with your friend, take a ton of pictures, take a kickboxing class, learn to make fondant, travel just to be traveling, dye your hair, learn to ride a motorcycle....never be afraid of anything.

It's snowing outside, time for me to go dance.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

The minute the IMAX at midnight tickets went on sale I bought them.  Three tickets, almost $50 bucks....but oh so worth it.  HM, CY, and I navigated our way downtown to the theatre and took our place sitting in line with every other Harry Potter fan hopped up on butterbeer and chocolate frogs.
Several notes for future midnight line camping:

• Take your camera.  I didn't because I thought it wouldn't be allowed and I missed a ton of picture opportunities...one of which might haunt me for the rest of my life.  
• Bring something to do while in line.  This is important not because it's quiet, but because you're with me and all I plan to talk about is how freaking excited I am.
• Hagrid won a Norwegian Ridgeback at a poker game, as an egg. Don't question me on this.  If you do a hundred other Harry Potter fans will stand up to defend my honor.  

Now on to the movie.  I loved it and it is by far my favorite (I have a feeling the very last one will be even better).  It has taken them this long to really get it right, but it's better late than never.  I'm not saying the past ones were badly done, but they never really truly held the same magic the books did.  What's truly amazing is that the seventh Harry Potter book is strikingly different from the previous six and therefore incredibly easy to make into a horrible movie and yet they managed to make it the best one yet.

It is a slower movie than the rest, but so is the book.  This part of the Harry Potter series is not action driven, it is emotionally driven and the movie really focused on that.  You can see and feel the agony and uncertainness that the characters are feeling.  The dynamics between Harry, Ron, and Hermoine are beautiful and you can really see how much they have grown.

Of course they have split the last book into two movies, and I am beyond glad that they did.  Yes it could have been done in one movie but it would have fallen short of the emotion required.  HP and the Deathly Hallows has some truly haunting moments in it and they deserve to be well played out in the movie.  I was nervous about where and how would they split this movie, mainly because I couldn't imagine I really great way to do it.  Thankfully the end point of Part 1 was well done.  It ended on a sad note with an extra scene that really got your blood flowing for the next part.

As a Harry Potter fanatic I was very pleased with this movie, and I won a free t-shirt at the showing.  It was a great night.  I'm already counting down the days till the final installment.

balloons.

My room was filled with balloons.  After returning from kickboxing class (my newest endeavor on experimenting with my life) I opened my bedroom door to find that my dear AF had filled my room with balloons.  Instantly my heart was warmed and I had a case of uncontrollable giggles.  It's amazing what a hundred brightly colored balloons can do for your soul.  I went to sleep that night on a happy note, my soul seeming to dance around in a world of rainbow balls. When I awoke and saw the balloons again with the sun from the window illuminating them I felt I was living in a tiny fairy tale land as I got dressed for work.  Taking a look around my balloon filled room before I closed the door to leave, I smiled and looked forward to when I would return.


Balloons.  Balloons can look different in different lights.

When I did return, they seemed to heed a warning to me.  I ignored them.  And in a matter of minutes the light changed, the mood changed, a friendship changed....and the balloons changed.  They mocked me.  Every last balloon seemed to hold within the proof of my toxic touch on something beautiful.  They danced playfully in the light making fun of me. 

I spent the next few days popping them, positive that their destruction would alleviate the pressure in my mind.  If I could make my surroundings match my inside, then things would be better...my room would no longer be a fun house mocking my every emotion. 

My pastor reminded me of something.  With everything in life we should give thanksgiving to God.  Thanking God isn't something that should only occur when our life is going great, but it should occur no matter how your life is going.  So when your life is becoming increasingly similar to Job's; continue your praise.  Continue your thanksgiving.

After being reminded of this I returned home and looked at the few balloons that remained on my floor.  After praising and thanking God for every aspect of my life, the balloons were no longer symbols of my toxicity.  They were symbols of hope.  Each brightly colored balloon directly challenges my own insecurity and toxic touch and I greatly welcome the challenge.

I hope they win.

Canoe Adventure

Once upon a time...

I was on a canoe rushing through the water and then down a waterfall with the grace of Disney's Pocahontas....and then I awoke.  It was at this moment that I decided I should learn to canoe.

I can totally see myself canoeing with a pet raccoon.

The canoe trip started off as a mere whim, a fanciful idea of something fun to do, but as I started facing opposition to it it became something much more.  It became my own personal Everest.  I not only felt the need to prove to everyone that I was capable but it also became a physical manifestation of my own inner emotional Everest I've been facing for several months now...well let's be honest- this whole year. 

Not sure of exactly what revelation I was hoping for I set off on the trip sure that it would reveal itself in time.



They were so graceful the sun even liked them better

We put in Saturday morning and paddled away from shore while my mother and aunt watched us float away with worried looks.  The fact that I almost tipped the boat over as soon as I stepped in was not very assuring in their defense.  I'd like to say that I put my paddle in the water and took off with grace and speed and felt a sense of calmness and comfort with the water and the canoe.  But that would be a lie.  I regretted planning the trip within a minute of sitting in the canoe.  It was unsteady, uncomfortable, and with three people in the canoe we hit every single possible rock there was to hit within the first ten minutes of the trip while my Dad and Uncle paddled gracefully in their canoe.  As we rounded the first river bend I looked back at the boat landing and suppressed my strong desire to return to shore and instead looked ahead and began my navigating duties.   (I was in the front of the canoe, which is where the navigator sits. Yes, I see the irony.)

We spent a good part of the first hour out of the boat.  The water was shallow and full of rocks that held us up every five seconds. My brother CY would sit nonchalantly as HM and I clambered out of the canoe to drag it off the rocks and to an area we could paddle in...only to be stuck again before you had the chance to even say the word Pocahontas.  It amazes me that my brother managed to stay perfectly dry and keep his shoes and socks on the whole day while HM and I lost both of our shoes, were soaked up the waist, and covered in mud. 

However, it wasn't too long that things started to change.  We began to laugh every time we got stuck, and we began to figure out how to get unstuck while staying in the canoe, and even better than that, we figured out how to avoid getting stuck.  I began to feel comfortable in the canoe, comfortable and calm with the water, and the art of paddling began to become soothing.  I was graceful in my own way, it felt natural.

Physically I accomplished great things on this weekend trip.  I battled amazing rapids, worked my arms like never before, walked eight miles with an extremely raw and painful left foot, and battled a bear. 
                                                                                                               ...............ok that last part is a lie.
Mentally I accomplished great things as well, I figured out how to mentally prepare a canoe route through rapids, improved my patience level, slept in spite of intense fears of being attacked by a slew of woodland creatures, and bonded with my friend and family.

But where was my great revelation?  This was my Everest!  Yes, I proved to the doubtful people that I can sleep outside and that I can survive in a canoe for two days.  But what about my spiritual and emotional breakthrough?  Where was my moment of "aha?"

There was none except the simple mirroring aspect this trip had on my personal life.

I had such a great time on this trip and I honestly can barely wait to get inside a canoe again.  But those first ten minutes of being in the canoe scared me and I begged and pleaded with myself to get out of the canoe and go back home.  Everything inside of me wanted to get out of that canoe.  To give up immediately.  But I'm stubborn and I stayed.  I stayed and fell in love with it.  It was something different and new.  Avoiding details, I have actively fought changes in my life, especially this year.  Every change that was thrown at me I tried to reverse it, complained about it, and made myself miserable over it.  Eventually I reached a point of acceptance, but that required letting go and getting rid of some things.  Despite every one's constant assurance that I had made the correct decision, and my own personal new found joy, I doubted myself.  The river and the canoe was God's way of showing me something everyone else could see except for me;  that letting go of the shore picking up the paddle is the best thing sometimes, despite how uncomfortable it may be at first, because eventually it will feel natural and perfect.   

Lastly I leave you with some canoe and camping tips:

1.  Pack matches and a lantern.

2.  Do not lean while on the canoe!

3.  Have a path mapped out for rapids.

4.  Pajama's are apparently not camping attire.  Otherwise you'll be called a fashionista the whole time.

5.  Packing toilet paper is futile.

6.  Deer will attack you.

7.  You're gonna get wet.

8.  Band-aids.  Pack them.

9.  Don't spill food on yourself while camping out in the wild...surrounded by bears.

For my pictures look at my facebook.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Trailer Official HD

Yes.  Midnight.  I will be there.

And I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry every time I watched this video.  Oh I just can't express my feeling towards this series.