Hello world.

With my last post being in September I'd say it's time for me to post again.  Kevin is supposed to be holding me accountable to write something every day--be it blog, journal, novel, or a free write.

Here is my biggest writing hang up:
                                                    I'm really happy.  Like REALLY happy.  I write dark and depressing items.  I like to write when I'm in a dark place in my mind.  But this dark place has been pushed aside by sunny rays---how sickening it that?  Who knew I'd be one of those sunshiny people who wants to write about rainbows and love?  Well, as happy as I am I just can't write about rainbows.  I want to write about heartache, death, despair, and uncertainty.  So my challenge is to find a way to unlock my dark side when I need to sit down and write. So, we will see how that goes.

But I do have a good story to share.

There was this girl, let's call her Jenna, she had to visit the detention center yesterday (for an undisclosed reason but not a bad reason at all!).  Upon leaving this detention center she found herself in grey, rainy, cold weather.  Sitting in her car, let's call it a mustang, she went to back out of her parking spot.  Being a careful driver, she DID look behind her.  Let me point that out again.  She looked behind her and seeing nothing, she proceeded to back out.  Then...

THUD.

At that moment it became clear to her that she hit a car.  It also induced a slight panic attack that her beautiful, red, phoenix mustang might be hurt.  Jumping out of her car she looked at the car she hit.  A grey car (which would be why she didn't see it).  Not only was the car grey, it had this word in all capital letters on it:

SHERIFF

Thinking she was seeing things, she looked again:

SHERIFF

Yes.  She had hit a cop car.  A parked cop car.  With a cop in it.  In the parking lot of the detention center.  In all honesty, it took all of her strength not to laugh.  And that my friends, is when you know that you are in happy place in your life.  When you have done something incredibly stupid and potentially financially damaging and it is taking every fiber of your being not to laugh.  Not that I would know--this story is about someone else ;)

An hour later, after watching CSI take pictures of the "crime" as they called it, I--I mean Jenna--was able to finally drive away ticket free with an undamaged mustang.

Well, I'm glad to be back blog world. 

Why this holiday season is different.

I imagine every holiday season is a little bit different than the last but as I approach this holiday season I realize that my life has changed dramatically this year (I learned how to use a MacBook for one example).

I've always loved the holidays...especially Christmas.  I grew up with the most amazing Christmas traditions ever.  Every Christmas Eve my mom's side of the family would gather together to eat and cut up and then in the morning I would go over to my Mama Lou and Papa's house for Christmas brunch.  I love Christmas brunch.  Mama Lou would make Breakfast Casserole accompanied by biscuits, ham, something sweet, and whatever else fancied her;  when she got cancer I took over the breakfast Casserole (with her guided instructions of course).  When she died, we continued the tradition and I became the chef...but it's not the same.  Of course.   But we adapt to this "new" feeling of Christmas brunch.

I still had Christmas Eve after all. The entire Carter clan gathered together always leads to stories that will never be forgotten (insert Merry Christmas from the Family song here).  However, this year we are one short.  On the long road to recovery after the untimely, shocking death of my uncle my family is still very much wounded and this Christmas is something I don't believe many of us are really looking forward to.

But there are good things this year as well.  For one thing, I've got to know my cousin Katie through hours in the hospital and on the phone and I've come to realize how much I absolutely love and adore her.  And how much I can learn from her.  I also realized how important my family is to me, and how quickly I could lose them--thus I packed up my bags and moved back to my hometown.  My family and friends are the same people and I felt a yearning to be closer to them.

My job stood in the way though.  After much prayer and following different avenues of thought something miraculous finally happened.  I landed a dream job.  A job that I didn't grow up thinking I would enjoy but now that I am in it I realize how comfortable I feel in it.  Teaching is easily the hardest thing I've ever done but for some odd reason the easiest as well.  I love going to work in the morning and the stress that this job comes with is easily replaced by the joy it brings.

So as I prepare myself for this holiday season (and the ungodly amount of candy corn I'm bound to devour) I'm quick to remind myself that life is short and to thank God for everything he gives and takes away.  

Boat Dream

     It was a large boat.  I've stood on top of a life size replica of Noah's Ark in Hong Kong and it was pretty big to put it lightly...although not as large as I imagine the Titanic being.  This boat was larger than both of those boats.  Standing on the top deck I had a hard time imagining that we were actually floating on the water and not hovering above the earth.  We were enjoying ourselves--mid-laugh I felt the presence of something--I felt him.  Looking around I couldn't see him but he was somewhere close, I knew it.  I could feel it.  Standing up I began making my way through the crowd of people, searching.  I saw him nowhere.  Making my way to the edge of the ship I leaned over the railing and I saw him.  I hadn't seen him in so long and even now he was so far down that he was only the size of an ant--just a tiny ant swimming in the water.  The boat was so tall that the water seemed a world away.  I couldn't make out his facial features or even the color of his clothes but I knew it was him, my bones felt his pull and my heart seemed to be clawing out of my body to get to him. 
     I turned towards my friend and whispered, "Do you see him?" 
     "I see him."  She replied with a look of concern etched on her face.  I turned back to watch him swimming in the water below. 
     "Why is he here?" I asked without turning my gaze from him.  "Where is he going?"
     "I don't know."
     I needed to know.  I needed to ask him.  I needed to look in his face.  I began to climb the railing until my friend put her hand on my shoulder, "You can't jump in," she whispered, "You'll die.  It's too far down.  Even if you survived the fall you would land too close to the ship and get sucked under."
     She was right.  I put my feet back on the wooden deck and took a long look at him in the water.  I turned away and walked towards the middle of the deck and turned back to face his direction.  The wind was lightly whipping my dress against my legs and my hair danced in the air.  I could feel the rough wood of the deck against my feet, the splinters pressing against my heels.  Taking a deep breath I sprinted towards the edge of the ship and jumped just in time to clear the railing and I soared towards him..

The Apartment

I move a lot.  That's not a secret.  I've lived in the same house since I was two but once I left for college I began a whirlwind of apartment changing.  I've grown to love packing--and I'm not being sarcastic.  I really do love it.  In less than two weeks I'll be moving again and as I pack I've been thinking of the all of the places that I've lived.  Hands down my current place is the nicest apartment I've lived in.  But it's not my favorite.

My favorite apartment was an apartment that was rented by drug dealers before I moved in and had a dent in the door where somewhere had tried to break in.  It had bugs, squirrels, leaky ceilings, a smell, and odd objects sticking out the floor that would slice your foot.  It was fantastic.  So fantastic that it's the only place I lived at for a whole two years.  It may sound like a horrific dump but the memories I have of that apartment are some of my favorites. 

My last two years of college I lived there with my best friend Sage the whole two years while Paige and Kara lived there for a year each.  I remember the first night we stayed there Sage and I each slept with a butcher knife next to our bed scared to death someone was going to break in in the middle of the night (it wasn't the best neighborhood).  One night we heard something and Sage and I put on our brave faces and grabbed a butcher knife and baseball bat and proceeded to search for the cause of the noise.  The place was three stories and had about ten closets--we took turns rounding each corner and opening each door.  Turns out we had imagined the noise but when I look back I don't remember how terrified we were--I remember us laughing nonstop about it the next morning.


The place was infested with gigantic crickets that seemed to live in the downstairs bedroom where Kara and Paige lived.  Not only did we have a cricket problem but we also had a squirrel problem.  That's right--a squirrel problem.  Imagine your roommate waking you up at 3AM to tell you that she just trapped a squirrel in her closet.  I never thought I'd ever have a squirrel running around loose in our apartment but that little fellow kept coming back no matter how many times we called animal control.  That bushy fellow kept me up many nights laying in my bed listening for the sounds of his little feet scampering across my floor.

That apartment was where Kara and I learned the Single Ladies dance, where our fog machine set off the smoke alarm and we got to try on the firefighters uniforms, where I kissed my first love, where Paige and I discovered that we have very different reactions to tequila, where we threw up black sheets over the windows so we could have a perfect area to watch a Dexter marathon without a TV glare, where I put on my cap and gown for my college graduation, and where I learned that friends can become family.

That apartment represents my last two years of college--which are the best years of college.

Escape

I have an intense desire to escape.  Not just for an hour, a day, a week, or even a year.  I want to really escape.  Forever.  Disappear into another life. 

No, not another life---

                             I want to escape into the life that I yearn for.  The life where I am what I'm meant to be; not this current life of shuffling back and forth watching what my life could be disappear.  I can hear myself screaming inside; beating at the doors desperate for a way out.  I'm inside yelling at the top of my lungs but I can't quite make out what I'm saying.  The answer is there but this veil that shrouds my belief in myself is keeping it completely hidden.  I'm angry for not being able to hear my own desires. 

                      For not being able to set myself free. 

And I'm hurt that I'm only the one who knows it.  Others can't see me at all.  They only see the veil.  They see the smiles.  They hear the laughter.  They can't see the trapped girl huddled in the corner in defeat.  I've betrayed myself.  I've pushed myself into a jail cell and thrown a bag over my head so I can't see the opening.

But I still have the will to escape.

Meatless May...Last Day

Well, here I am.  May 31.  The last day of Meatless May.  I'll admit it--I'm sort of sad.  I've really enjoyed pushing myself to create new meals and finding ways to maneuver around the meat based meals at family gatherings and most restaurants.  So at the end of the month what pros and cons have I found?

Pros
-I hardly ever feel guilty after I eat.  I load most of my meals with green vegetables--what's to feel guilty about?  (There were a handful of unhealthy meals thrown in but hey--life isn't perfect.)
-More energy.  I'm usually sluggish most of the time; I often feel just plain exhausted.  But this month that hasn't been the case.  I've even had the energy to go to the gym almost everyday this month.
-Every dish is so colorful!  It feel fantastic to sit down with a plate bursting with color in front of me versus a plate of khaki.

Cons
-Eating a somewhat healthy meal at a restaurant is almost impossible.  If you're going with other people and it's not somewhere that is known for having vegetarian friendly recipes then you better throw healthy options out the window.  Most places have veggie burgers but with the fries on the side, you really aren't helping yourself.  I went out to eat with my parents one day and my choices were...well...a side salad.  I opted to skip that since I wanted to actually eat something of substance and chose a quesadilla without the chicken.  First of all, they still charged me full price.  Secondly, it had some the greasiest mushrooms I have ever come across.  Thirdly, not healthy considering the amount of cheese and grease that was stuffed inside.     
-Gas.  Enough sad.

I will not continue being a vegetarian but I have decided that I won't be putting meat on my grocery list.  I'll stick to vegetarian meals when cooking and then when I'm with others and there isn't a good veggie option available I'll eat meat.

Hear are some final pictures...and these are actually ended up being my favorite from the week:                   

                           
Stuffed red peppers. (Red peppers stuffed with brown rice, kidney beans, and spinach)

Stuffed Mushrooms
See the full recipe at my brand new food blog :A La Avocado

Delicious tofu tip:  Soak tofu overnight in your favorite dressing and hot sauce and then throw them in your salad the next day. Amazing.

Squash Noodles.  (Watch for the recipe to appear on A La Avocado)

Avocado, sun dried tomatoes, alfalfa sprouts, jalapeno, Parmesan, and sweet chilli sauce on a spinach wrap.   Great lunch.

Regrets

 I woke up this morning with a message from a friend of mine concerning life regrets.  She listed off regrets that she has about things that she did...and things she didn't do.

I remember filling out one of those silly questionnaires that would get passed around on facebook in college and answering a questions about regrets.  You know the questionnaires I'm talking about ---the ones with questions like:  What is your dream vacation? (Hogwarts).  What is sitting immediately to the right of you? (The cat).  What did you eat for breakfast? (Coffee). People would fill out those things like they were popping M&Ms in their mouth. 

I remember a question that went something along the lines of this:


"Do you have regrets?"  Arrogantly I answered with some remark about how life should be lived without regrets.  Each moment contains something that you can learn from so therefore you should never regret a single moment of your life.

I'm pretty sure that the answer seemed reasonable at the time.  In fact I'm pretty sure that at that moment in time--my life was close to perfect.  And I still believe that my answer is partly correct.  You can learn from every moment in your life--but why should that mean you can't regret it?  Why can't you vow to cut out your very heart in hopes to go back and do something differently?

You see the thing is...if you don't have regrets, how can you ever learn from them?
Take a moment and list out your three biggest regrets.  I guarantee you that you'll figure something out about yourself.

Mine?
1.  Ruining what was a wonderful and honest friendship.  I'll never stop regretting that he isn't there anymore.
2.  Quitting theatre. I loved being onstage and I let the world tell me to give up.  So I did.
3.   Not believing in myself and settling in life.
 

Meatless May...Day 19

Over halfway done with Meatless May! (and two weeks till I leave for Hong Kong!)  

So far it really hasn't been that bad.  The first week and a half I really missed meat and stressed about every meal--"What in the world am I going to eat?"  "I am soooo hungry."  "I want Chic-fil-a RIGHT NOW."  But I've overcome the hump it seems and I'm feeling pretty awesome--lots of energy, none of that heavy feeling after eating.  I have very rarely eaten rice or pasta and I've worked hard to make every meal mostly vegetables.  An odd observation that I've made is that I have zero cravings for anything.  The notion of eating to live has taken place over my old one of living to eat I suppose and therefore--no real cravings.  (Except that I'm currently watching people on TV eat take-out Chinese food and the allure of steamed dumplings is hard to ignore)

Here are some more pictures from experiment:

Brown rice with broccoli and asparagus (asparagus is great on anything...especially if you drizzle olive oil on it and roast it)





I tried a veggie burger at Remington Grill and didn't care for it.  It was thin and spongy.  Not to knock on Remington Grill--I love everything else I've ever had there and was surprised they even offered a veggie burger so I'm now holding it against them.  I also tried a veggie burger at Carolina Ale House and it was AH-mazing.

This one is pretty original in my opinion---mashed sweet potatoes, black beans, and guacamole quesadilla (Although I guess it's not technically a quesadilla considering there wasn't any cheese).  Experimenting with tortillas is always fun and this turned out well.

I bought a huge container of diced sweet potatoes and it's been fun figuring out what to do with them other than make a casserole.  One night I threw them in the oven and roasted them after sprinkled oregano and olive oil on them and ate then with a scrambled egg---sooooo good. 

Tonight I'm gearing up for a veggie stuffed red pepper--let's see what happens!

The Trapped Turtle

I watched this turtle the other day.  It was beautiful.  Shocking yellow stripes that dazzle in the light.  People walked by and stared through the glass at him oooing and ahhhing and commenting on how wonderful it must be for him to live there, in that beautiful aquarium.  Safe, well fed, nothing at all to worry about.

But he looked sad.  I watched as he swam to the edge of the glass towards me.  He followed my finger as I waved it back and forth against his cage.  I wondered if he had some insane hope that my finger would magically create a hole that would allow him to escape.  To escape the entrapment of a life filled with longing to be something more.  A life where he doesn't wake up and face another day of swimming back and forth in the same pattern.  A life of adventure. 

And why shouldn't he be free?  Free to roam the waters of the earth--investigating every stone and every crevice he can find.  Riding the waves and currents--feeling the adrenaline pulsing through his veins.  He should be given the chance to be who he was meant to be. 

Putting away the picture I took of him, I clock back in and stare at my cubicle walls. 

Meatless May...Day 9

I tried several new recipes this past week--most of them were made up on the fly and I'm pretty proud of that fact.  This past weekend was my biggest challenge in my meatless endeavor: Hot Dog weekend.

I'm fully aware that hot dogs are gross in theory but let us be honest here; hot dogs are amazing.  They are cheap, easy, and nostalgic; everyone remembers smothering a hot dog with ketchup during a pool party on a hot summer's day as a kid.  As I've gotten older, they've only gotten better.  Since the days of holding a hot dog in my wet, chlorine smelling hands at the ripe age of nine I've learned that the hot dog is a canvas for any foodie.  Sauerkraut, mustard, jalapenos, cheese, relish, mayonnaise, hot sauce, chili, onions, slaw, tomato slices, pickles, peppers,  and let's not forget ketchup. 

Needless to say, it took all my energy to turn down hot dogs not once---but twice--this weekend.  I attended two hot dog parties this weekend and munched on potato chips and baked beans (sadly picking out the delicious bacon).  But I did say no and that is pretty fantastic.  (I also attended a taco party and ate a lettuce and tomato taco. It was a very hungry weekend).

To make peace with my angry, hot dog deprived taste buds, I set out to try several new things this week.

I call this chick pea salad.  Super easy.  Lay out your asparagus on a baking sheet and lightly coat them in olive oil and broil them on low until they look done.  Add the grape tomatoes to the baking sheet during the last two minutes.  Then you throw the asparagus and tomatoes in a bowl with chick peas and artichoke hearts.  Add a little olive oil dressing and you have chick pea salad!

Pizza made by my friend Heather...a smorgasbord of veggies topped with cheese.  I've never seen avocado on a pizza before--great addition!

I have no idea what this is.  I just threw some red peppers in olive oil and cooked them for a few minutes before adding mushrooms, broccoli, diced tomatoes, and cheese.  It was good but sadly not very filling.  Perhaps on round two I'll leave out the cheese and add rice.

Jimmy Johns!!  Veggie Sandwich on wheat--tomatoes, cucumbers, avocado spread, provolone, peppers, and lettuce

This was my most disappointing meatless meal.  Just a simple sushi roll minus the fish.  It's just ain't sushi without fish people.